Wednesday, April 6, 2016

My dump on Trump. A Trump dump.

Please note before reading that this is my personal opinion. If you don't like it, kindly fuck off. And have a wonderful day! Fuck off wonderfully! Thanks.

Are you fucking with me? This is a joke, right? Donald Trump is the front runner in the Republican Party? I think America is being punked.

My impression of Trump: A vain, ignorant, racist, narcissistic brat who is constantly yelling about something. His arguments have no depth, which unfortunately puts him on the same level as the uneducated masses that populate our country. I’m not saying America is stupid, please don't misinterpret. I’m saying some of the people in it are stupid, lacking in an adequate education or desire to acquire one. Trump can work off of that to get the votes. It’s horrifying to think that the idea of him even running for our most coveted leadership position is being entertained. He’s a superficial chauvinist who will not hesitate to trample our rights as HUMANS while all but eliminating foreign policy. We will become the laughingstock of planet Earth if he is somehow voted in as Commander-in-chief. Other countries are already bracing themselves. And I’m sure Canada will start making room for the millions that flee the country in the name of all that is good in this world. Not to mention that he is a business man, not a soldier. If he does take office, countries will line up to take a swing at him, and by extension, us.

For those who think that because he’s rich he’s going to help us financially: Get your head out of your ass. Trump is in the business of making money, not spending it. Like he has some master financial plan to get us out of debt. Please. The man is a real estate tycoon. He's not even good at it. Trump has filed for bankruptcy four fucking times since 1991, claiming these filings were 'strategic'. So he took advantage of our systems to maintain his billionaire status. WTG, fuckface. Even if he did spend money on the betterment of America, the toll it would take on our rights as citizens of the United States would be unbelievable. Fucking misogynistic bastard. He is the very definition of male white privilege. He is literally everything that is wrong with the world right now. Hateful, ignorant, entitled, decadent, and just plain mean. He can’t sympathize with the issues Americans face, how is he going to give enough of a fuck to improve or even solve them?

Don't even get me started on his conduct with members of the female gender. Anyone with a vagina will be plummeted into the 1910s. Remember? When we weren't allowed to vote and shit? Yeah. Fuck that. Abortions punishable? Go fuck yourself. Allow me to offer some clarity on my view of abortion: I do not like the idea of abortion. I believe conceived humans should be given the best possible chance to be born and live happy and full lives. I believe there are other options such as adoption. I also believe that what anyone else with a vagina does with their uterus is none of my fucking business. I believe abortion should be available in case of rape, incest, or threats to a woman's health and safety. I also believe it should be available so desperate women don't injure themselves or become injured in illegal and dangerous back-alley abortions. I believe that neither the government nor religious organizations (or anyone else for that matter) should have a say in what women do with their bodies. If the government was given the power to dictate what we can and can't do with our person, even on a small scale, that opens quite a floodgate of bullshit. Think mandatory hysterectomies/vasectomies. Bans on body modifications. Government approval requirements for cosmetic surgeries, transgender operations, or any other surgical procedure that might alter how we identify ourselves. That power should not belong to a government, it should belong to us. It's called freedom and exercising our free-will. This should never be punishable. If the knowledge and technology for such things are available, it lies with the individual to decide what is right for them. No one else.

Marie Claire has an article with a collection of some of his more ridiculous quotes. (

Here are some of my favorites.

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”
Me: Fucking seriously?

“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
Me: I just can’t.

“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”
Me: You are the most delusional human. Ever.

“One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.”
Me: I’m glad he’s aware.

“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”
Me: I’m glad that’s all you care about. Because obviously that’s all that matters.

“It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”
Me: …

“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Me: Dafaq.

“You’re disgusting.” –To a lawyer who needed to take a break to pump breast milk for her child.
Me: …

"My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure; it's not your fault."
Me: I just don’t think he knows what words mean.

One of my absolute favorite rips on Mr. Trump is brought to us by John Oliver. I highly encourage people to watch this. The points made are incredible, funny, and to the point. Please please please watch this.

Donald trump should be ashamed of himself. Irrevocably and perpetually ashamed. And yet, he is utterly shameless. Not the admirable sort of shameless which guides some through life with tenacious vigor. But an abominable and unforgivable shameless which is in the most self serving of senses.
He prides himself on being most searched on Google. Yes, Donald. You are the most searched political candidate. This is because you are completely ridiculous. Everyone loves to watch a shit show. The fact that the simplicity of that dynamic escapes you makes me loathe you, as well as the masses that support you, all the more. I suppose I shouldn't say that. But it's the truth. I cannot abide people who go blindly and ignorantly through life as if nothing at all matters. Not bothering to look for knowledge or truth in it. I make a point to strive for both. And in the end, if nothing at all actually mattered, at least the next generation will be a bit safer for our efforts. At least I would have been a positive force in this world. I should say, rather, that I cannot abide careless and ignorant people. Stumbling through the world, as they do, with no regard for their effects, impacts, or consequences wrought on those around them. People without a sense of awareness. People without foresight. People who are contented to be part of the mob. A mindless, selfish, and pugnacious mob. Trump breeds hate and supports those who do the same.

"So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of 'em, would you? Seriously. Okay? Just knock the hell — I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees. I promise. I promise." - The fact that this sentence formed in his brain and left his mouth, jest or no, is disgusting.

As a presidential candidate he makes the bid for the White House a fucking joke. He obviously doesn't grasp the seriousness of the role of a President.
I'm fully aware that I might get some lash back for this blog but frankly, I don't care. If you support Trump for any reason, valid or not, I cannot agree with you. The incredible amount of evidence that supports the FACT that this man should never be given a leadership role, or even a management position at your local Wal-Mart, should tell you that a single reason to vote for him is entirely inadequate. I can't find the words to fully convey my disdain & contempt for a human that I plan never to meet. I can only find solace in the idea that the population of America will be intelligent enough to realize the seriousness of their votes. That people should not extent the privilege of a vote simply because this deplorable person is fucking trending on twitter.

I highly encourage people who would argue with me on my position to first watch & read all of the links I have posted in this blog. If you can read & listen to all of this and still support Donald Trump, I have no time for you.

Other important links and videos that moved me to write this blog:

Mexican Immigration -

I will protect you -

Friday, November 20, 2015

Where’s my soapbox?

Ah. Here it is. One sec. *steps up and clears throat* If you don’t like ranty Chrissy, please excuse yourself. Go on. Shoo. I won’t be mad. Promise. GTFO. There you go. Ok, Bye! That’s better. Hello to the rest of you! It’s been a little bit since I blogged. So here’s just a quick rant. I gotta get it out. Pardon me… 

Whatever you want to call it, it has no place in our world anymore. It never really did but I like to think we simply didn’t know any better. Ignorance is bliss and all that. It was part of a primal defense mechanism that has long since lost its value. Now we know what it is. We know what it looks like, what it feels like. We can identify it and stop it in its tracks before it causes harm. Unspeakable and immeasurable harm. This thing has cost us, as a species, countless lives. Think about it. No, I want you to stop. Just stop. And think about it. A state of mind has cost us human life. Destroyed families. Has left people heartbroken or alone or both. How does this happen? How can a way of thinking kill people? How could we allow such a travesty to occur? We are intelligent, complex, unique, and beautiful creatures. Yet we have let this thing consume us, change us, and compel us. 

I’m talking about discrimination and prejudice. *adjusts footing on soapbox* In the rawest sense. Hate mingled with disgust and justified by the numbers who agree. The collective efforts of racism, sexism, religious prejudice, and homophobia. Along with all the prejudices of otherness that plague our society on an appalling scale. Some people are even discriminatory against disabilities. DISABILITIES for fuck’s sake. What. The. Fuck. Also, how dare you? 

How in the actual fuck do people feel ok about looking at someone, picking something that differs from their own selfness, and hating that person for it? Do you know how ridiculous that seems? How could you hate a person, based on something so inconsequential, to the point of verbal harassment or physical violence? I’m having trouble comprehending how this occurs, please tell me. 

*Clears throat for dumb-dumb Neanderthal voice* “You’re different from me. You must die now.” “You’re a boy and you like boys, so I fucking hate you.” “We have different color…everything. Hate you.” “My god is better than your god. Ha-ha.” DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS? Fucking idiots. 

One Christian does not represent all of Christianity. One Muslim does not represent the entire religious body of people in practice. One white guy doesn’t speak for all of them. One black woman does not represent the entirety of her race and/or gender. One stuck up white girl wielding a Starbucks redcup and daddy’s credit card from uptown wherever isn’t an accurate mouthpiece for all the rest. 

Yes, we learn from our experiences and interactions with others. We take that information and try to take appropriate actions when we encounter similar situations. I get it. But enough with the fucking stereotyping. It is necessary that it ends now. We’re smart enough to know that everyone is different. No one individual is a representation of their entire race, gender, religion, general world ideation, or sexual orientation. It’s ridiculous and shameful that we still think like this. 

This blog is sparked by, and meant to address, the overwhelming amount of ignorance I’ve been seeing and reading about since the heinous and deplorable Paris attacks. Muslims are not responsible for the people that lost their lives that day. The collection of people that coordinated and carried out those horrific attacks are the ones responsible. They may claim to be and do things in the name of the Islamic faith, but they do not represent Muslims as a whole. The prejudice and discrimination against the Islamic religion, and those who practice it, needs to end. We are smarter than that. We are better than that. The actions that a person takes are a representation of that individual. Nothing more. The end. 

Since when is it ok to hate an entire group of people based on one person’s actions? 

Jeffery Dahmer was a white guy from Wisconsin. He ate people. Does that mean all the white guys from the Midwest should be drawn and quartered? Mmmm, I’d say probably not. 

Kim Davis (in case you missed it, here’s her wiki - ) denied marriage licenses to gay couples based on her own Christian beliefs. She was both celebrated and condemned for her actions. Does this mean all Christians are hateful, hypocritical, crackpots? Definitely not. 

Mother Teresa spent her life making the world a better place. She strived to spread love and good intentions wherever she went. Does that mean every old woman is going to love you and be all nice and shit? No! There are some mean old bitches out there! 

Martin Luther King, Jr. was a prevailing force in the civil rights movement in the 50’s and 60’s until his atrocious assassination in 1968. Does that mean that we are destined to put out every light that shines through the veils of hate we create to divide ourselves? I certainly hope not. 

Is it so hard to see that the prejudice and discrimination that plagues our world is unjust, barbaric, and a prehistoric ideation that needs to end? Why does it still exist? It’s counterproductive and must be snuffed out. I hope our advances in technology leading to the realization of global communication helps to impact this disease that has been passed down to us. We are one world. We will always always always have our differences. Forever. It just is. Why are people still using that as justification for hateful actions? Diversity isn’t going anywhere. It’s just not. There will always be people different from you or me. It’s impossible to escape. Things will always change, it’s part of evolution. Have you not noticed? And you’re still letting it bother you? You’re a moron and you need to focus your energy and time on something that matters. Contribute to making the world better or GTFO. Seriously. Don’t waste your time fighting change, progression, or all the otherness that makes our world such a beautiful place to be. You’ll lead a wasted life. When you could be leading a good one. A beautiful one. A life filled with happiness and laughter, good food and good friends, smiles and joyful tears. If you choose to breed hate, I have no time or pity for you. I will not interfere with you, but I cannot love you. I can’t even feel sorry for you. Also, you suck. End rant. 

*hops off soap box*

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."- Mother Teresa

Monday, July 20, 2015

Dear Internet, : Caitlyn Jenner

Dear Internet,

There is no argument that every single individual in our armed forces deserves an award for #courage. All of our men and women in uniform should get the recognition they deserve. Just because people disagree with Caitlyn Jenner receiving this award (a retired transgender Olympian making a very public transition and being open about it is quite courageous. So is standing up for what you believe in. So is being a soldier. And a police officer. And a firefighter. And an individual. Or a volunteer doctor in a foreign country. The list goes on.) doesn't mean she isn't worthy of it. We could discuss people who are more deserving of a courage award until we die but that doesn't do anything for anyone. This award was given to a person who deserved it at a time when we, as humans, need to acknowledge that this is a courageous act. Being ok with the otherness that this topic is soaked in is sorely needed. The transgender community faces the injustices of a prejudice society every day. Something "different" gets put in front of us and we lose our fucking minds and throw the closest, heaviest thing at it. Isn't that what we all have to put up with? Something we all have to fight? Our otherness? Whether it's our race, religion, a disability, a deformity, our sexual orientation, or gender, everything is something "different" to someone who doesn't know it. When was the last time you were a ridiculously famous retired transgender Olympian having a very public sex change while the media ate you alive? Oh, never? Courage comes in all forms. 

My point is, the only reason that the Internet has anything to say about this is because she used to be a he and for some reason that is too much otherness for us to handle. Why not give the award to one of the thousands of children fighting cancer? Or your local crossing guard? Or fucking anyone else battling something bigger than themselves? 

This exists. There will always be something "different" for some of us to fight for simply not being what we're used to. What the Internet has shown me in the last week has been bullying on a grand scale. And it is disappointing. 

“If you want to call me names, make jokes, doubt my intentions, go ahead, because the reality is, I can take it. But for the thousands of kids out there, coming to terms with being true to who they are, they shouldn’t have to take it.” -Caitlyn Jenner 

Caitlyn Jenner has taken a huge swing at the intolerance and ignorance that surrounds the transgender community. That takes courage.

Furthermore, "An #ESPY Award (short for Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly Award) is an accolade presented by the American cable television network #ESPN to recognize individual and teamathletic achievement and other sports-related performance during the calendar year preceding a given annual ceremony." (Wikipedia) 

Last time I checked, war isn't a sport for our enjoyment. Caitlyn Jenner was an Olympian which makes her a candidate. Because... Sports. I'm sure our Armed Forces have prestigious awards and medals to bestow upon our most beloved and respected persons in uniform that are much more coveted to our military than a goddamn cable television network award. 

Oh? Not about the award, you say? It's about what courage means? Oh, ok. Let's talk about courage. Courage is defined as, "The ability to do something that frightens one. Strength in the face of pain or grief." Translation? Doing something that can or will hurt you because you know it's right. 

Now, I'm going to ask you to stand in front of literally millions of people, on an international platform, and proclaim your otherness. Everyone will know something about you that you have spent the entirety of your life hiding from the world for fear of persecution, prejudice, and hate. The announcement of this intimate detail about who you are helps countless others, just like you, feel better about being in their own skin. You are standing up for yourself and for anyone like you to try to help rid our society of this prejudice that surrounds us. But you aren't courageous. No no, you're too different. You're weird so you can't be courageous. Courage is for what's considered normal and familiar.

Is anyone else seeing how this doesn't make sense? Or is it just me? If we replace "transgender awareness" with "equal rights" would it make a difference? Could you imagine being so overthrown by the inner workings of your soul that you are compelled to become something other than what you are, or you will never be whole? This leads to unnecessary suicides. Can you imagine that the prejudice of who you are leads to violence and hate? You can't imagine that? Then be quiet. Be still. Keep your belligerence to yourself and live as you will. But you have no say here. Hate has no place in our future.

Do the men and women of our Armed Forces deserve to be shrouded in medals of honor for their courage? Absolutely. But how dare you complain about an Olympic athlete receiving a sports related award for courage while you simultaneously tolerate the fact that our veterans are living in poverty. They are starving, they're homeless, and they endure years of mental and physical illnesses. Do you house our veterans? Do you donate and volunteer? No? How dare you complain about a television award while being unwilling to help those whom you presume to "defend"?

"Liking" and "sharing" is easy but taking action requires courage, and that is exactly what Caitlyn Jenner did. She took action. She took a stand against the prejudice that envelopes the transgender community. She has made herself into a beacon for us to look to for her unique example in a world saturated in ignorance. To that I say, well done Ms. Jenner! The Internet needs to spend a little less time making memes and a little more time working on making the world a better place. 

#JustSayin #ThankYouCait #LGBT #RantFin #OwMyThumbs 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

To Become A Master

The internet says it takes ten years to master something. This is often referred to as the 10,000 hour rule, or some such nonsense. This is, of course, dependent on the blogs you read or the sources you use. The general consensus involves 6+ years of repeating said task to the point of mastery. So my question for you, internet, is why am I still fucking these up? 

 1.) I have been shaving my legs for far longer than I care to admit. It's been well over a decade. Yet I'm still getting out of the shower looking like a just escaped a turf war with a less-than-savory street cat. 

 2.) Making coffee. If it weren't for my Keurig, I'd still be burning that shit. I have no mechanism for deciding on an appropriate coffee to water ratio. Like, I try to eye-ball it but its just a disappointment. 

 3.) Parallel parking. I may as well be driving a space shuttle. I've been doing it for 11+ years, and I still have to do that awkward parallel-park-dance with my car where you pull forward by 4 inches and pull back by 6 inches and then realize you turned the wheel the wrong way so you just keep going like it was deliberate but everyone knows it wasn't deliberate and now there's a small crowd gathering and some 16-year-old is laughing at you because they just took their road test and aced it but he doesn't understand that not everyone has the skill set to maneuver a large piece of machinery in such a way that it is evenly placed between two other giant peices of machinery and that this is a really intimidating process for some people because hitting another vehicle is serious especially if that other car is a really nice car then you're just fucked because that person is going to be pissed that you just hit their new car I mean, they just had that shit waxed so you'll be in some serious first-world trouble especially if that person has an uncle-lawyer then you're totally screwed and then some guy named Dan is sticking his head into your passenger side window asking if you need help, ma'am and you smile politely and say no, I got it and really you're having a panic attack and you just don't want grubby, cigarette-smelling Dan touching your car because he kind of looks like a car thief even though you're quite sure he's just a nice mechanic but hey, you never can tell with people, can you? So you finally get your car close enough to the curb so that it's socially acceptable to be a little crooked even though you're an obnoxious perfectionist with a touch of OCD, you can't do anything about it because now you're late and don't have time to straighten your stupid car out because it took you this long just to get it in the goddamn parking spot in the first place. So, yea. 

 4.) Eating or/and drinking. I miss my mouth more than any self-respecting adult should. 

 5.) Laundry is the bane of my existence. I've been doing laundry since I can remember and I still manage to mess it up. Too much detergent. Not enough detergent. Wrong water temperature. I don't understand seperating my white clothing from the rest of it. Chrissy, why are you putting six dryer sheets in there? I've ruined more clothing than wine, grass, pizza grease, and that red dress you bought last year for that Christmas party you went to and spent 45 miserable minutes at and then left because you had a headache and then you washed that dress and all of your socks are now pink... combined. Hey, at least you looked good. 

 6.) Eyebrow shaping. Been doing it since someone called me Brooke Shields in seventh grade. You do the math. I should be a professional eyebrow shaper by now. But no. Its like a different language to me. Are my eyebrows crooked or is it just my face? No one knows for sure. 

 7.) Walking. I've been walking for a really long time. Why, exactly, am I still tripping over myself? And inanimate objects? And pets? And small children? And my own coffee table? I know its there. I see that shit everyday. I'm using it now. Am I going to trip on it on my way to the kitchen? Probably. 

 8.) Makeup. In general. Why cant I figure my life out? How much bronzer is too much bronzer? Who knows? Not me. 

 9.) Social cues. They just don't work on me. I'm a beacon of social awkwardness. 

 10.) Time management. 30 minutes to wake up, hit the snooze 3 times, make coffee, morning potty break, drink said coffee, take a shower, get dressed, do my hair, put makeup on, make food for the day, get in the car, drive to work, stop for gas, stop for wretched school busses, find parking, and get to my desk? Sure! Why not? Oh... because it takes me half an hour just to shower.... I have absolutely zero time management related planning skills. None. I've been planning and managing life things forever. Still can't do it right.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Define "Artist"

I came across a quote while in a Pinterest coma one day that resonates with me more than most when it comes to my identity as a creative human.

 “Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.” ― Cesar A. Cruz 

Last night I was watching "Oddities" on Netflix. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this awesomeness, "Oddities" is a reality show of sorts that showcases an antique shop called "Obscura". This incredible store in NYC has the most delightful collection of antiques and, you guessed it, obscure items. They deal in anything from pickled two-headed animals to early medical equipment that seem more like torture devices. They buy and sell only the most thought-provoking pieces and a visit to this little house of wonders is certainly top ten on my bucket list. I hope to get a picture with Mike & Evan, the owners of the store, and possibly acquire a piece from their collection if the price is right. But back to the point...

In the episode I watched last night the owners of the shop were delivering "supplies" to an artist. Although I'm not a fan of her particular esthetic, she said something that shook me, "It is my job, as an artist, to evoke emotion in people. To make them feel something," I don't remember her name or the exact verbiage used but that was the basic idea. And it hit me. So I'd like to take a moment to reflect on this idea and dissect what this means to me. I've been far too polite in my artistic endeavors. I hold back because I don't want to make anyone flinch. I have a small personal collection of photographs and art that I don't share with many people because I don't want to offend anyone. In this, I have failed as someone who considers herself to be a creative individual. As an "artist" I care way too much about my viewer. I've settled for praise when I really want to strive for shock and awe. I want to provoke my audience. To make them think. To wake up an otherwise slumbering world with images and pieces that, as Cesar put it, "comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." That is what art means and is. It should make people think and feel something. Anything. Art is an expression of the inner most workings of the artist's soul. What the artist sees is poured into the expression and placed in front of the viewer in an attempt to stir emotion out of them. To help them see the world through new eyes, and perhaps discover some feeling in themselves that they haven't noticed before. People are complex and weird and beautiful and enthralling all at once. Yet we do our best, as a society, to fit into polite conformity. Let me elaborate. As people we conform, as a person we are completely our own. We know this. 

I have a special breed of "stage-fright" that battles me whenever I try to showcase myself, or my work, on any platform. I love beautiful things. I love grotesque things. Last night's epiphany has inspired me to create some new pieces and not to worry so much about opinions. A concept I still struggle with. Its mostly my own opinions that are my downfall. I should remember that. 

Peace & Love & all that jazz.

Exact quote that helped inspire this blog-

"My job as an artist is to provoke people. I think if you don't provoke people, they are just numb." 
-Heide Hatry

Thank you for the inspiration Ms. Hatry!

Monday, September 22, 2014

What's for dinner?

This one is for all the indecisive females. We have all gotten the same complaints from our significant others when it comes to meal time. The daunting question is, "What/where do you wanna eat?" to which we reply with what is apparently an infuriating (who knew?), "I dunno. What do you want to eat?" It has come to my attention that this reply is somewhat unsatisfactory to our lovers. So please allow me to address this situation as eloquently as possible. 

 There are several reasons why we answer this simple question so broadly. Let me just say that if your female does respond as dramatically or/and negatively as you claim she does when you suggest places/things to eat, you dont need to feed that bitch anyway. However, if she does legitimately freak out at your suggestion it probably means that you've been together for 3+ years, she has a shellfish allergy, and you wanted to take her to Red fucking Lobster. Jerk.

Reasons we "don't know" what we want to eat include, but are not limited to, the following: 

 1.) We really just dont know. No. Seriously. We have no idea. Move on with your life. 

 2.) We are leaving the decision up to you because we care about your wants and desires. You're welcome. Asshole. 

 3.) We legit don't care. Just fucking pick a place. I'm hungry. 

 4.) Why don't YOU know what you want to eat? Huh? Quit your bitchin'. 

 5.) We don't know what we want to eat because we are presented with far too many options. Dont blame us. Blame America. 

 6.) Why can't you just pick a place? Is that so hard? What happened to your spontaneity? Where is your sense of adventure? Have we grown so complacent in our relationship that you have to blame me for something we're both indecisive about? Why dont you look at me anymore? I GOT MY HAIR CUT! YOU DONT NOTICE ANYTHING! YOUR JUST LIKE YOUR [enter gender appropriate parent here]! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE AND SNUGGLE ME BUT CALL ME PRETTY AND DONT SPEAK TO ME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE SWEETHEART! 

 7.) #6. That bitch doesn't need to eat. See what I did there? 

 8.) Unless shes pregnant. In that case, please feed her. 

 9.) We have very eclectic tastes in food. Food choices may or may not be influenced by our mood, time of month, music, who is with us, what color shirt you're wearing, whether it's a jean day or a sweatpants day, if there's a dog in the vacinity, what movie is being watched or was recently watched, what activities we have planned for the foreseeable future, what kind of bra we have on, the level of sexual confidance we are currently experienceing, if we went to the gym that day, who the president is, where we went to college, what state we were born in, how we did our hair that day, Vint Cerf and Bob Kahn, altruism, blue, I would like a micropig, seventeen, debouchery, you probably stopped reading this at number 5, and that's cool, i'm not mad, if you did continue reading this, good job sport, k I'm done, what kind of diet we're on, or/and our views on third world famine. 

 10.) We may, in fact, be testing your knowledge of what our preferences are. This is indeed a trap. Sidenote; not all of us do this and it is, for the most part, frowned upon by the rest of us. But it happens. #bitches 

In conclusion, this post was mostly just fuckery, but I hope I enlightened someone out there, internet.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Twenty VS Almost-Thirty

There has definitely been some shifts in my priorities over the last (almost) ten years. Some of which are so endearingly hilarious, that I had to share them with the internet. I can't help but laugh and shake my head at myself for what I thought was important. I'm sure I'll be doing this reflection business again in another ten years. I could have saved so much time, money, energy, and dignity. I think our scope of significance expands drastically between twenty and almost thirty. I wish I could've avoided all the stress and headaches. But then I'd have no lessons to learn from. So ... here goes:

*Shopping for shoes*

20-Year-Old-Me: "Oh my god, I need these shoes. Right now. There will never be another pair like this available. Ever."

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Oh, look. I bought these exact same shoes ten years ago. I wore them twice."


20-Year-Old-Me: "I'm always going to have my hair done. All the time."

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Sloppy-bun-on-top-of-head? Whatever. At least my bangs aren't in my fuckin eyes."


20-Year-Old-Me: "Oh, I can eat anything I want. I have a really fast metabolism. Go me."

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: *Eats half a french fry. Gains 7 pounds.*


20-Year-Old-Me: "Cute purses! I have to buy them all!"

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "The cheapest/most functional bag I can find!"

*Being a grown up*

20-Year-Old-Me: "Yay I'm an adult and I can do whatever I want!"

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Adulthood is a fucking trap. When do I get to be 7 again? Never? Awesome. Wake me when it's over."


20-Year-Old-Me: "I'm always going to wear thongs. All the time. I can't wear granny panties. Ew."

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Where are all my normal underwear? Why does this have fucking ribbons? Ugh."


20-Year-Old-Me: "French manicures forever!"

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "I'm sorry. I'm not paying $35-$50 to have someone glue tiny, dehibilitating pieces of plastic to my nails simply to have to endure the inconvenience and unrelenting rage that accompanies them. No."


20-Year-Old-Me: "Yay boys! ...Right?"

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Yay girls!"

*Fucks given*

20-Year-Old-Me: *cares about what everyone thinks*

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: Some solid advice- letting go of what you think people might be thinking of you (a practice I'm still working on myself) is so much less stressful. Omg. I can't even begin to explain it. Just pretend that you don't care. Like you don't give any fucks. Just for a second. I'm serious. Go ahead. I'll wait. ... Wasn't that a pinch of fantastic? I mean, wow. So great. Moving on...


20-Year-Old-Me: "I'm just going to keep dying my hair. Until forever." 

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Whats that? My roots are 5 inches long? Who has time to dye their hair every two goddamn weeks? Psh. It's ombré. That's in now, right? Yolo."

*Shoes again*

20-Year-Old-Me: "I'm just going to wear high heels every day. It's classy."

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Why would I ever wear these vindictive torture devices? Ever? They hurt my soul and make me feel like a wobbly baby giraffe. Fuck this."


 20-Year-Old-Me: "I can take a couple years off from school. I need to experience life!"

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Why did I not go to fucking college when I was twenty? Why the fuck did I think that was a good idea? Now I have to be in school till I'm 30. Fucking fuck."


20-Year-Old-Me: "I love vodka so much. It's my favorite. "

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Vodka? It tastes like poor judgement, no thanks. Box wine? Yes, please."


20-Year-Old-Me: *size 4*

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: *sobs*

*Invited to le friend's house*

20-Year-Old-Me: "Ok I'll be right over!" *spends 1-3 hours "getting ready" (whatever the fuck that means)*

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Does this require a bra? Or pants? You know how I hate pants. Also, will there be wine?"

*Going to le gas station*

20-Year-Old-Me: "Better put on makeup & jeans." 

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Sunglasses and fuzzy slippers it is!"

*Going to le grocery store*

20-Year-Old-Me: "Better put on makeup, jeans, that new shirt I got... It wouldn't be ridiculous to wear these high heels to get groceries, would it?"

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: *gets out of bed, throws on sunglasses & nearest article of clothing that seems socially acceptable, goes to store*

*Going to le Walmart*

20-Year-Old-Me: *wears pajamas*

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: *wears fucking pajamas* 

Because... Walmart.

*Conversations with friends*

20-Year-Old-Me: "Dude! I can't remember anything about last night after like, 2 AM. What happened? I woke up in my Halloween costume from 6th grade. It's June."

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Mortgages, blah blah, babies, yada yada, politics, yip yip, marriage, yap yap, and stocks."

*Out with friends*

20-Year-Old-Me: "Let's stay out all night and make bad decisions! Wooo!"

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "You want to meet out at 8? Ok but I have to be in bed by 9 so...this is gunna be lame."

*Sleep patterns*

20-Year-Old-Me: "I don't need a nap. Who has time for napping? Yay energy!"

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Naps are the most amaz... ZZZZzzzz..."


20-Year-Old-Me: "I'm always going to be fashionable. Always. I'm going to change with the times." 

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Da faq is that girl wearing? Are those leopard-print-neon-blacklight-fuzzy leggings? What is wrong with the world?"


20-Year-Old-Me: "My job is my exercise. I don't need to work out."

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "If I don't go for a run immediately I might crawl out of my own fucking skin."

*Bad habits*

20-Year-Old-Me: "I love cigarettes."

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "I love being able to breathe."

*Going out*

20-Year-Old-Me: "Woooo let's dance all night! I LOVE dancing!"

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "I'm quickly becoming claustrophobic, this bitch just spilled her vodka tonic on me, and if one more person walks into me while I'm standing still and then looks at me like third world famine is my fault I may elbow them in the jugular. Can we leave now?"


20-Year-Old-Me: "I don't really want kids."

Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Give me all the babies. ALL of them. Now. Thanks."

I'm fully aware that I could've spun this post into a slew of positive messages for the younger generation. But pessimism is funny.