Wednesday, October 8, 2014

To Become A Master

The internet says it takes ten years to master something. This is often referred to as the 10,000 hour rule, or some such nonsense. This is, of course, dependent on the blogs you read or the sources you use. The general consensus involves 6+ years of repeating said task to the point of mastery. So my question for you, internet, is why am I still fucking these up? 

 1.) I have been shaving my legs for far longer than I care to admit. It's been well over a decade. Yet I'm still getting out of the shower looking like a just escaped a turf war with a less-than-savory street cat. 

 2.) Making coffee. If it weren't for my Keurig, I'd still be burning that shit. I have no mechanism for deciding on an appropriate coffee to water ratio. Like, I try to eye-ball it but its just a disappointment. 

 3.) Parallel parking. I may as well be driving a space shuttle. I've been doing it for 11+ years, and I still have to do that awkward parallel-park-dance with my car where you pull forward by 4 inches and pull back by 6 inches and then realize you turned the wheel the wrong way so you just keep going like it was deliberate but everyone knows it wasn't deliberate and now there's a small crowd gathering and some 16-year-old is laughing at you because they just took their road test and aced it but he doesn't understand that not everyone has the skill set to maneuver a large piece of machinery in such a way that it is evenly placed between two other giant peices of machinery and that this is a really intimidating process for some people because hitting another vehicle is serious especially if that other car is a really nice car then you're just fucked because that person is going to be pissed that you just hit their new car I mean, they just had that shit waxed so you'll be in some serious first-world trouble especially if that person has an uncle-lawyer then you're totally screwed and then some guy named Dan is sticking his head into your passenger side window asking if you need help, ma'am and you smile politely and say no, I got it and really you're having a panic attack and you just don't want grubby, cigarette-smelling Dan touching your car because he kind of looks like a car thief even though you're quite sure he's just a nice mechanic but hey, you never can tell with people, can you? So you finally get your car close enough to the curb so that it's socially acceptable to be a little crooked even though you're an obnoxious perfectionist with a touch of OCD, you can't do anything about it because now you're late and don't have time to straighten your stupid car out because it took you this long just to get it in the goddamn parking spot in the first place. So, yea. 

 4.) Eating or/and drinking. I miss my mouth more than any self-respecting adult should. 

 5.) Laundry is the bane of my existence. I've been doing laundry since I can remember and I still manage to mess it up. Too much detergent. Not enough detergent. Wrong water temperature. I don't understand seperating my white clothing from the rest of it. Chrissy, why are you putting six dryer sheets in there? I've ruined more clothing than wine, grass, pizza grease, and that red dress you bought last year for that Christmas party you went to and spent 45 miserable minutes at and then left because you had a headache and then you washed that dress and all of your socks are now pink... combined. Hey, at least you looked good. 

 6.) Eyebrow shaping. Been doing it since someone called me Brooke Shields in seventh grade. You do the math. I should be a professional eyebrow shaper by now. But no. Its like a different language to me. Are my eyebrows crooked or is it just my face? No one knows for sure. 

 7.) Walking. I've been walking for a really long time. Why, exactly, am I still tripping over myself? And inanimate objects? And pets? And small children? And my own coffee table? I know its there. I see that shit everyday. I'm using it now. Am I going to trip on it on my way to the kitchen? Probably. 

 8.) Makeup. In general. Why cant I figure my life out? How much bronzer is too much bronzer? Who knows? Not me. 

 9.) Social cues. They just don't work on me. I'm a beacon of social awkwardness. 

 10.) Time management. 30 minutes to wake up, hit the snooze 3 times, make coffee, morning potty break, drink said coffee, take a shower, get dressed, do my hair, put makeup on, make food for the day, get in the car, drive to work, stop for gas, stop for wretched school busses, find parking, and get to my desk? Sure! Why not? Oh... because it takes me half an hour just to shower.... I have absolutely zero time management related planning skills. None. I've been planning and managing life things forever. Still can't do it right.

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