*Shopping for shoes*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Oh my god, I need these shoes. Right now. There will never be another pair like this available. Ever."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Oh, look. I bought these exact same shoes ten years ago. I wore them twice."
*Hair*
20-Year-Old-Me: "I'm always going to have my hair done. All the time."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Sloppy-bun-on-top-of-head? Whatever. At least my bangs aren't in my fuckin eyes."
*Food*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Oh, I can eat anything I want. I have a really fast metabolism. Go me."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: *Eats half a french fry. Gains 7 pounds.*
*Purses*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Cute purses! I have to buy them all!"
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "The cheapest/most functional bag I can find!"
*Being a grown up*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Yay I'm an adult and I can do whatever I want!"
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Adulthood is a fucking trap. When do I get to be 7 again? Never? Awesome. Wake me when it's over."
*Undies*
20-Year-Old-Me: "I'm always going to wear thongs. All the time. I can't wear granny panties. Ew."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Where are all my normal underwear? Why does this have fucking ribbons? Ugh."
*Nails*
20-Year-Old-Me: "French manicures forever!"
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "I'm sorry. I'm not paying $35-$50 to have someone glue tiny, dehibilitating pieces of plastic to my nails simply to have to endure the inconvenience and unrelenting rage that accompanies them. No."
*Sexuality*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Yay boys! ...Right?"
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Yay girls!"
*Fucks given*
20-Year-Old-Me: *cares about what everyone thinks*
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: Some solid advice- letting go of what you think people might be thinking of you (a practice I'm still working on myself) is so much less stressful. Omg. I can't even begin to explain it. Just pretend that you don't care. Like you don't give any fucks. Just for a second. I'm serious. Go ahead. I'll wait. ... Wasn't that a pinch of fantastic? I mean, wow. So great. Moving on...
*Hair*
20-Year-Old-Me: "I'm just going to keep dying my hair. Until forever."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Whats that? My roots are 5 inches long? Who has time to dye their hair every two goddamn weeks? Psh. It's ombré. That's in now, right? Yolo."
*Shoes again*
20-Year-Old-Me: "I'm just going to wear high heels every day. It's classy."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Why would I ever wear these vindictive torture devices? Ever? They hurt my soul and make me feel like a wobbly baby giraffe. Fuck this."
*Education*
20-Year-Old-Me: "I can take a couple years off from school. I need to experience life!"
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Why did I not go to fucking college when I was twenty? Why the fuck did I think that was a good idea? Now I have to be in school till I'm 30. Fucking fuck."
*Booze*
20-Year-Old-Me: "I love vodka so much. It's my favorite. "
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Vodka? It tastes like poor judgement, no thanks. Box wine? Yes, please."
*Body*
20-Year-Old-Me: *size 4*
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: *sobs*
*Invited to le friend's house*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Ok I'll be right over!" *spends 1-3 hours "getting ready" (whatever the fuck that means)*
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Does this require a bra? Or pants? You know how I hate pants. Also, will there be wine?"
*Going to le gas station*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Better put on makeup & jeans."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Sunglasses and fuzzy slippers it is!"
*Going to le grocery store*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Better put on makeup, jeans, that new shirt I got... It wouldn't be ridiculous to wear these high heels to get groceries, would it?"
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: *gets out of bed, throws on sunglasses & nearest article of clothing that seems socially acceptable, goes to store*
*Going to le Walmart*
20-Year-Old-Me: *wears pajamas*
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: *wears fucking pajamas*
Because... Walmart.
*Conversations with friends*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Dude! I can't remember anything about last night after like, 2 AM. What happened? I woke up in my Halloween costume from 6th grade. It's June."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Mortgages, blah blah, babies, yada yada, politics, yip yip, marriage, yap yap, and stocks."
*Out with friends*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Let's stay out all night and make bad decisions! Wooo!"
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "You want to meet out at 8? Ok but I have to be in bed by 9 so...this is gunna be lame."
*Sleep patterns*
20-Year-Old-Me: "I don't need a nap. Who has time for napping? Yay energy!"
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Naps are the most amaz... ZZZZzzzz..."
*Fashion*
20-Year-Old-Me: "I'm always going to be fashionable. Always. I'm going to change with the times."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Da faq is that girl wearing? Are those leopard-print-neon-blacklight-fuzzy leggings? What is wrong with the world?"
*Exercise*
20-Year-Old-Me: "My job is my exercise. I don't need to work out."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "If I don't go for a run immediately I might crawl out of my own fucking skin."
*Bad habits*
20-Year-Old-Me: "I love cigarettes."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "I love being able to breathe."
*Going out*
20-Year-Old-Me: "Woooo let's dance all night! I LOVE dancing!"
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "I'm quickly becoming claustrophobic, this bitch just spilled her vodka tonic on me, and if one more person walks into me while I'm standing still and then looks at me like third world famine is my fault I may elbow them in the jugular. Can we leave now?"
*Procreation*
20-Year-Old-Me: "I don't really want kids."
Almost-30-Year-Old-Me: "Give me all the babies. ALL of them. Now. Thanks."
DISCLAIMER
I'm fully aware that I could've spun this post into a slew of positive messages for the younger generation. But pessimism is funny.
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