Monday, September 22, 2014

What's for dinner?

This one is for all the indecisive females. We have all gotten the same complaints from our significant others when it comes to meal time. The daunting question is, "What/where do you wanna eat?" to which we reply with what is apparently an infuriating (who knew?), "I dunno. What do you want to eat?" It has come to my attention that this reply is somewhat unsatisfactory to our lovers. So please allow me to address this situation as eloquently as possible. 

 There are several reasons why we answer this simple question so broadly. Let me just say that if your female does respond as dramatically or/and negatively as you claim she does when you suggest places/things to eat, you dont need to feed that bitch anyway. However, if she does legitimately freak out at your suggestion it probably means that you've been together for 3+ years, she has a shellfish allergy, and you wanted to take her to Red fucking Lobster. Jerk.

Reasons we "don't know" what we want to eat include, but are not limited to, the following: 

 1.) We really just dont know. No. Seriously. We have no idea. Move on with your life. 

 2.) We are leaving the decision up to you because we care about your wants and desires. You're welcome. Asshole. 

 3.) We legit don't care. Just fucking pick a place. I'm hungry. 

 4.) Why don't YOU know what you want to eat? Huh? Quit your bitchin'. 

 5.) We don't know what we want to eat because we are presented with far too many options. Dont blame us. Blame America. 

 6.) Why can't you just pick a place? Is that so hard? What happened to your spontaneity? Where is your sense of adventure? Have we grown so complacent in our relationship that you have to blame me for something we're both indecisive about? Why dont you look at me anymore? I GOT MY HAIR CUT! YOU DONT NOTICE ANYTHING! YOUR JUST LIKE YOUR [enter gender appropriate parent here]! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE AND SNUGGLE ME BUT CALL ME PRETTY AND DONT SPEAK TO ME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE SWEETHEART! 

 7.) #6. That bitch doesn't need to eat. See what I did there? 

 8.) Unless shes pregnant. In that case, please feed her. 

 9.) We have very eclectic tastes in food. Food choices may or may not be influenced by our mood, time of month, music, who is with us, what color shirt you're wearing, whether it's a jean day or a sweatpants day, if there's a dog in the vacinity, what movie is being watched or was recently watched, what activities we have planned for the foreseeable future, what kind of bra we have on, the level of sexual confidance we are currently experienceing, if we went to the gym that day, who the president is, where we went to college, what state we were born in, how we did our hair that day, Vint Cerf and Bob Kahn, altruism, blue, I would like a micropig, seventeen, debouchery, you probably stopped reading this at number 5, and that's cool, i'm not mad, if you did continue reading this, good job sport, k I'm done, what kind of diet we're on, or/and our views on third world famine. 

 10.) We may, in fact, be testing your knowledge of what our preferences are. This is indeed a trap. Sidenote; not all of us do this and it is, for the most part, frowned upon by the rest of us. But it happens. #bitches 

In conclusion, this post was mostly just fuckery, but I hope I enlightened someone out there, internet.

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